


I Tell Jokes For A Living

by Endlessnotebooks



Series: I Tell Jokes and Use a Smartphone. What's Your Superpower? [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Female Harry Potter, Gen, London, Palladium Theater, Standup Comedian Harry, This has been in my head awhile, decided to finally write it, fem!Harry/always a different sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 15:19:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14547597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Endlessnotebooks/pseuds/Endlessnotebooks
Summary: She'd been out of touch for years when Arthur received the letter, and all it had was tickets to an event.But he and Molly couldn't have asked for a better way to get reacquainted with their prodigal daughter.





	I Tell Jokes For A Living

Arthur Weasley had received the tickets in the mail on his birthday, a little note written on the lip of the envelope.

_Dear Arthur,_

_For being like a father to me all those years. Sorry I fell out of touch._

_This is a muggle entertainment called Stand-Up Comedy. From what I’ve seen, there isn’t much of it in the Wizarding World, but hopefully you enjoy. The tickets are for the Palladium Theater, Friday April 20, at 8 PM. I hope you enjoy!_

_Best,_

_H.P._

It had been two tickets, which he assumed were from Harry. As soon as he saw them, he pulled Molly aside from the weekly family dinners. She seemed excited to see the show. It had been a long time since the two had a night out to themselves. Molly loved her grandkids and was always more than willing to watch them, but Arthur had made sure that they were staying with their families for that night.

The two shuffled into their seats, excited for the show. A young man walked out, his hair long and in a ponytail, much like Bill had kept his once upon a time.

“Hey, I’m supposed to open, but if you’ve ever met the chick I’m opening for, you know I’m not that funny.”

People chuckled at that.

“You know, you laugh, but my English teacher was grading a paper of mine, it was on a book I didn’t read. She wrote ‘Really funny, Jake. But that’s not the book.’

“You heard me, London. I wrote a paper on _the wrong book._ ”

The young man kept going for about fifteen minutes, before he looked off to the edge. He had been fairly funny, though there were things that went over his and Molly’s head. “Ah, my time’s up, friends! Have fun, and may I introduce HALLEY EVANS!”

And that was when the evening changed.

* * *

Harry had taken the name Halley when she was a starting comic. Using a stage name and her mother’s maiden name meant she wasn’t easily tracked by wizards in London trying to find her. The only time she wanted to see other magical people was on her terms.

And now, as she walked out, she took a glimpse at the crowd.

There, in the middle of the third row, were the people who had been so kind to her for so long, Arthur and Molly Weasley.

“Good evening, London!”

* * *

To say Molly was shocked to see someone she considered her adopted child on the stage would be an understatement. The night had been enjoyable, yes, but now something in her felt settled. Her child was safe, and her child had a career – even if she wasn’t sure she understood it.

“Good evening, London! I’m so glad you all came out!

“To start with, I want to thank two very special people who are in the audience tonight. They were unbelievably kind to me throughout what I wouldn’t realize until later were the absolute _shittiest_ years of my life. So, Andrea, if you could pull the spotlight on them, middle third row.” The spotlight moved to where Molly and Arthur were, and people looked towards them and applauded.

“These two are some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. But you didn’t buy tickets to see them, so let’s give you what you came to see!”

Molly glanced from the crowd around her to Harry. She was leaning against a stool, looking at the crowd as she spoke.

“It’s been about, oh, I don’t know… three years since I’ve been back to London?” She started pacing towards the front of the stage. “So it’s been three years since I’ve returned to London, and in that time I’ve been living in the States.

“The thing about living in the States, is that so much is going on, and it’s all going on at the same time. That’s the kicker.

“I would love to know what’s going on in the UK, but I don’t have the time. I don’t have the _fucking time_ , because the person they’ve put in power is so ridiculous. He is so ridiculous that I don’t have time to follow news about my _home country_. My home country.

“But let’s step away from politics for a minute, because there’s something else I find hilarious in America, and that’s their relationship with education.

“Have any of you ever met an American? Some of them are quite bright, and you meet them and the exchange ends with you thinking something along the lines of ‘Holy fuck, that went better than I thought it would!’.

“But then you meet others…. And that’s when you leave floored that someone could be so oblivious.

“One of my favorite comedians,” there was a laugh. “Yes, I’m a comedian that likes comedians. My relationships end because I only talk in comedy.

“But one of my favorite comedians did a talk once on gun control in America.” The theater became still for a moment. “Oh, my. Yes, they still don’t have gun control in America.

“But he was talking to someone about a protest on a Texas uni campus where, because of the lax gun laws in the state, they were carrying dildos. The man he was talking, and he was saying that these people carrying dildos on campus were being super immature.

“But then he’s asked about it, and he’s asked, if these kids are so immature, then why should they have guns. You want to know what he said?” Harry’s eyes were wide and her shoulders were slightly crooked. She looked like she was challenging the audience. “He said, while just because they aren’t mature doesn’t mean they can’t be responsible with a gun.

“Think about that a minute. Really think about it. These children are immature for protesting, but then you can totally trust them _with a machine meant to kill._ ”

Harry shook her head. “But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. We’re here to be funny, aren’t we?”

The people had been laughing a bit through the act, but now they seemed intrigued. Molly wasn’t sure what she thought about this act, and she wasn’t sure what she thought of this being the career choice for someone like Harry, who could have had a promising career as an auror or ministry work following the war.

“Alright. So, I’m fairly young, I don’t know if you noticed.” There were some shouts from the audience. One particularly loud one sounded male. “Thank you, and no, I won’t sleep with you.”

The chuckles from the audience were overshadowed by another shout of “Are you sure?!”

Harry shook her head, laughing at the man. “What’s your name, sir?”

“Jamie!”

“Come on up here, Jamie. Come on up here.”

The man was a little older than Harry, maybe two years if Molly had to guess. Harry put her hand on his shoulder – he was a good head taller than her. “Hmm…”

Harry shook her head. “Hard pass. Get off stage, you look like my old football captain, and his last name was literally Wood.”

The man took the rejection lightly, shrugging and walking off stage, shouting. “Wood sounds cool.”

“He wasn’t, and quite frankly, I’m more of a flower girl, myself.”

“Want my sister’s phone number?”

“I’ve got a girlfriend. Now sit back down, Jamie.

“I love hecklers. I know a lot of comedians hate them, but I love them. Think about it, someone gets so caught up in the show they decide to talk to you. They want to be involved.

“And a lot of times I find them either really funny or just fun.

“The only time I didn’t like hecklers was in school. I had one heckler in school, this one boy in particular, and he lapped up whatever his daddy fed him. Beliefs, money, favoritism, anything. And his godfather was in charge of one of our major courses, which meant that entire class sucked even more. So this kid, one year he’s making a mockery of this guy’s pet. This pet had scratched him pretty bad.

“I should preface, this was a weird school. It was a boarding school, which was kind of fun, but it also had an open-door policy on pets, and some people had some weird ones. I knew one person who had a toad. Nice guy, Neville, but a _toad_.

“Anyway, this one teacher had this giant cat. Like, not a fat cat, but a big cat. And he let people play with the cat, you just had to be respectful and back off when the cat told you to.

“This twat walks up to the cat, probably thinking it wasn’t that dangerous. He ignores the hissing, and then complains about getting a damn fine scratch on his arm.

“Think about that. He provoked an animal, and then got upset when he got hurt. His philosophy – nothing was ever his fault.”

Draco Malfoy had come round since their school years, Molly knew, but Harry had left a few months after the last trials, hiding away to avoid people who kept pressuring her into a life she wasn’t sure she wanted. She hadn’t seen him become a healer, hadn’t seen his heartfelt apologies to Hermione and Ron, hadn’t been there when he had come to Weasley Christmas dinners and enjoyed himself immensely.

“So this utter ass gets the animal put down and laughs at it!

“My friend, Hermione, I swore didn’t know what it meant to break a rule for a good bit. Sure she ‘broke’ a couple rules, but never anything serious.”

That was a lie, and judging by the look on her face she knew it. Molly had heard plenty after they graduated about the exploits of those three.

“So my friend Hermione, with her sense of justice, decides that _now_ is a good time to break a rule. She socks him a good one in the face. Beautiful punch, and the _sound it made._ I can’t describe to you how beautiful that sound was. Picture the majesty of a stallion with the pure feeling of justice. It was such a good feeling. And he didn’t expect it! He called her a mudblood and ran away, which quite frankly, says more about him than it did about her and her punch.”

There was laughter throughout the story, and Molly even felt herself wanting to laugh, despite having heard the story before.

The show kept going, and something in Molly settled. As Harry became more relaxed on stage and started becoming more natural with her stories, Molly realized why she had left. Why she didn’t want a posh ministry job – she wasn’t comfortable with that. Seeing her on stage… she was comfortable on stage.


End file.
